- re-hijack the holidays: the majority of the traditions associated with christmas were hijacked from pagan rituals. this year, take back what, when, and how you break up the boredom of winter and/or celebrate broad abstract concepts that appeal to you. smear your body with paste and sacrifice a goat to santa-satan, get a tribal piercing, have a requiem for the dead, switch places with your slave/master for a day, smear your doorknob in butter, plant a tree (inside, with a sunlamp), give away all your possessions take hallucinogens and go on a spirit quest, air dirty laundry and dance around a pole, have a baloney throwing contest.
-fuck the mall: shop indie, shop local, shop thrift. our corporate overlords can be hard to avoid, and it would drive you mad to try and do so entirely, but there are great places to shop that will put a smile on your face and won't contribute to the gunning down of school children in some "third world" country- like the used bookstore on belmont where you can get your pal a vintage playboy, Ash's Magic Shop in Lincoln Square for the kiddies, Chicago Comics/Graham Cracker Comics for your favorite Bat-boy, Quimbys in Wicker for 'zines, and of course a shitload of used record stores (for cds & vids too) citywide for your favorite music geeks.
-bask in absurdity: host a Tomhanksgiving party. put up "wanted" posters for the grinch. steal money from the bank and burn it at the macy's window downtown. Create a new children's christmas carol akin to "joy to the world/my teacher's dead" and go carolling. give away baskets of crispy bacon to all the neighbors. dress up like a skeleton santa and frighten children at the mall. build shocking snowart in the front yard.
-have a white elephant party and exchange worthless and silly "gifts" like a boxfull of painted paper towel tubes or a collection of mcdonald's toys from the flea market.
-fuck christmas music: listen to sitting on top of the world by howling wolf ("had to take christmas in my overalls"), Grandma got run over by a reindeer, or Paul Brady's "Arthur McBride" which tells of beating up military recruiters on Christmas.
-go in the ramadan direction: in a time when most folks are gettin' greedy, give something up. think about all those kids in china who don't even have any meth, and try meditation instead.
-don't spend money: fuck the monetary system. make your friend a mix tape, give away one of your old favorite books, find some cool shit at the thrift for grandma, knit a sweater for your girlfriend, paint dad a picture, make mom a scrapbook. give shit.
- get wasted: have a traditional pagan midwinter orgy.
(Straight-edgers: celebrate your sobriety! get creative with it: have a painting party and wheatpaste your work to public spaces, or host a good ol' fashion "family party"and bust out the scrabble and charades.)
-give in: you know you love a charlie brown christmas, pine trees smell good, and your ma probably got you something really sweet this year. even if you can't get someone to cover your hours christmas eve, take some time off after new year's when everyone's through with the bullshit and cook a nice dinner with some friends (even if you only know how to make grilled cheese), watch homestarrunner's decemberween special or a bootleg of a very sunny christmas (try letmewatchthis), and just relax and enjoy, my friend.
-have a white trash christmas: make a homemade santa for your front yard. decorate your tree with maakies ornaments. make your own wreath out of found objects. put hunter s thompson in the manger this year.
-don't let the man get you down: be it scrooge, the grinch, the pope, our glorious corporate overlords, mom, or santa (he sees you when you're sleeping!), the man is always trying to get you down. this christmas, celebrate your hope for peace and freedom /love of the world by pulling a freak-out in a major shopping center, having lunch with a bum, or giving the homophobe old navy preacher a big gay hug.
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